Falling down, getting up & fighting
This past year has been one of the most rewarding in my life — I say that really meaning that and that’s why I am compelled to write this post — I have not had a year like this since I first moved to Germany and completely uprooted my life. That time, trying new things (moving to Germany, completely on a whim — starting over at 0) left me a bit broken, but this year I took a different approach. It all boiled down to trying new things and learning to learn — mostly, being okay with being bad at something and committing fully to improving — working hard. Not trying to take shortcuts, because they just don’t work for me. Getting up everyday and fighting. Also, and maybe more importantly, learning to fail gracefully and to not then see myself as a failure. Detaching the failed endeavour from my actual self. I was not a failure, because I failed at something. That kept me going.
Run, Run, Run
At the beginning of 2015 I became good friends with a wonderful golden haired goddess named Ally. She was the first friend I had met in Berlin that shared even a remote interest in athletics and fitness. Berlin is not a place you will see women or men sauntering around in athleisure (and that is GREAT as it leaves me as the only one sauntering), but it’s hard to stay motivated to exercise and get strong (which was my goal) when all your social activities center around alcohol (that’s fine too — I like alcohol, but I wanted something different). Ally and I shared a goal — we wanted to run a 10K in 6 months. Neither of us had run more than a few minutes previously without getting winded or hating life. We decided to train together every week starting in January and slowly started from walk/running (1minute/1minute) all the way up to a 10K we crushed in June of 2015. We actually sprinted the last 2k’s of the race — 100% effort. It was divine and it was a process. We worked our asses off (literally) to get to that point and it felt good being able to do something we told ourselves repeatedly that was impossible. The “cant’s” and “wont’s” and “oh no’s” that I sprinkled into my thoughts about running were gone and until I replaced those with “yes you can” (cliche I know and I don’t care!), “one step at a time” and “breathe and focus” I was able to unlock the mental part of running that I needed to pound the pavement more effectively.
Mental training is a huge part of running — to keep going when you feel tired is ridiculously hard when your mind is saying, “stop…you can just stop. No one is forcing you to do this. You are an adult woman who can turn around, go home and sit down.” Pushing on when you get a cramp or when it’s -10 degrees outside and it’s 8am and you agreed to do a sprint workout on Tempelhof. These are the moments where your mind takes over. Running helped me work on my mental game. What I learned was that positive thinking really works. I stopped saying “I can’t” — if you say that, you won’t. I was an “I canter” for so long and it did nothing for me — it kept me in a comfort zone that was super boring — sleep past my alarm, work 9–6pm, maybe some yoga after work, netflix: repeat. I was leading an easy life where I was not learning or trying new things or making new friends. Until I started feeling more comfortable being uncomfortable, I didn’t feel like I was leading the life I wanted to lead. I wanted to try new things, but I was held back by myself, until I got out of my own damn way.
Mental training was key, but actually doing the work was just as important. As I mentioned before, shortcuts/diets/fads never worked for me. I knew that and so I was committed to working out a little every day or to start — 3 times per week — to build my fitness level slowly without getting discouraged. I was committed to practice, practice, practice, so that when the time came to race, I was not shell shocked. It would just be like a normal run. I was committed to being prepared. I pushed aside my natural predilection for procrastination and learned how to workout off a schedule and stop blowing things off. I learned the power of “yes” and committing to Ally to make practices and work hard. I also started cooking most my meals at home and I made sure to drink a shitload of water, which has helped me to be less tired on hard training days. So, that was my running journey. I had a goal, with a friend and we stuck to it and crushed it. It was easy compared to what else I had on my mind: roller derby.
Balance, Strength & Focus
In April of 2015, a few months into running, I bought tickets to a roller derby game with my boyfriend, his brother and my friend. I had always been interested in roller derby — it’s aggressive, athletic and you have to hit, turn around, skate backwards and more, all while on SKATES. It scared the shit out of me in a good way — I wanted to do it, but I kept saying “no no I can’t — I would break my ankles in a second, I’m afraid of making new friends, I am afraid to speak German to the people on the team, I would fall on my ass a million times, I would look stupid, I would fail.” I was so scared of looking stupid, especially at sports. When the first jam started during that game in April, I was hooked. I have never been so enthralled by something — I felt butterflies in my stomach (I still do whenever I watch a game). These women were powerful and the best players were powerful, agile and graceful. Ballerinas on skates. Their derby booties were also wonderful. Strong legs, strong arms..strong. Strength is what I wanted — on skates and off — and derby seemed like what I was looking for for so long without really knowing it. I bought skates the next day and signed up for the newbie course that would start on the same day of the 10K in June. It felt right to finish one goal on the same day I’d start another!
Roller Derby has been the most challenging thing I have done so far in my 29 years. Falling — I fell a lot. Comparing myself to others who “got it” more quickly — I did that too much. I fell, was scared, felt unbalanced on my skates, felt terrified of breaking my ankles. It’s like I forgot all the mental training I had gained from running, but rolling was a new animal. To roll and rock at it (HAHA PUN) you need to put in the work. It’s something I didn’t learn until a few months into training. I was half committed to roller derby. I wanted to be good at it without doing the skill work — I had the fitness endurance, but that’s a fraction of what you need to succeed in derby. I should have known that is not possible. I mean, shortcuts have never worked for me!
A breaking moment for me came when I tried jumping transitions at a bootcamp that Bear City Roller Derby hosted in September (about ¾ months into my training). We were supposed to jump in the air and turn around 180 degrees and continue skating backwards gracefully. I lobbed my body in the air like a sack of potatoes hoping for the best and landed firmly on my ass — incredibly frustrated and embarrassed. I wanted to quit. I was sick of sucking. So many of us have been there. I sat to the side while everyone else kept on doing their thing easily and instead of quitting I just breathed. It was like the first intentional breath I had taken since I started skating. The breath let out all the shit I was feeling about myself and I was thinking “I need to work to get better at this — I need to put in the effort”.
Wake up and fight
After the bootcamp I went home and started weight training to build my stabilizer muscles — the muscles that help you balance. I had terrible balance and my feet hurt all the time! In derby, you need excellent balance and body awareness to be effective, agile and like a ballerina on skates. I started from the bottom — my feet — and I worked up. I started strengthening my feet by doing exercises I found online, I did balance training 3 times per week, I took a ballet class 2 times per week and started practice transitions off skates. I had limited time on skates, so I knew I needed to make the most of my time — I started from the basics and took one step at a time. I started saying “I can do this”. I still fell, I still had trouble balancing on my left leg, but I kept working and still am working everyday to get better. In December, about two months into taking derby seriously, we had our minimum skills test. It’s like a driving test for derby players. There’s a physical/practical and a written portion. I was worried, because I didn’t feel as prepared as I wanted to be for the practical part, but in the end I did pass and it felt great, but I knew I still had a lot of work in front of me.
My derby journey is still underway and today we have our first practice as a league — I feel super giddy about it. I am excited for the community aspect of derby and for being pushed out of my introverted shell and to make new friends. That was something unexpected about derby — the community. I’ve met some people that I want to continue to learn to know more fully. I’ve been pushed out of my comfort zone to karaoke on a Monday night, hosted vegetarian taco nights and met people I never would have met if I just stayed home watching Netflix or if I was too scared of failing or trying something new.
The cool thing is all this stuff that I was learning through sports bled over into my personal life. Work was more satisfying because I was challenging myself more — I learned to stay more positive in tough times, friendships blossomed, I came out of my cocoon, I am less scared to talk in German. I was so determined to learn new things and learn more about old things I already loved! 2015 was a good year and a learning year — with failures and wins. My goals for 2016 are incremental and small, week by week, day by day, because small steps seem to work for me better than trying to tackle the “big picture”. I am excited for the year ahead and the work that has to be done to achieve my goals.
Originally posted here.
